America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

America's #1 Balance Bike Destination
America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

04 October 2006

No Diving

Just returned from an overnight trip to Connecticut, visiting such places as Hartford, Wallingford and New Canaan.. Stayed at the Marriott Courtyard again, this time for $144/night. Took a swim in the pool, which was nice... NOT the pool you see pictured.. Try to imagine what this swimming pool used to look like. I was passing through a gymnasium where the floor was cut open, revealing the view of this mess below it. Looks like a scene right out of the Kurt Russel movie Escape From New York... doesn't it?
The weather has been soooo lovely. I am busting with frustration that I couldn't ride the bike for the past two days... my all-or-nothing OCD personality wants me to punch myself in the face... Maybe I'll ride in the early AM... It's actually so nice out right now that I want to sneak away with my headlight and explore the bike path at night... (it's now midnight)

Appears the weather will be nice on Columbus Day, meaning that I will be doing the Jamestown Classic after all, as will many of my team mates. Three laps on a 19 mile course. I can't wait.
Lately, I don't much feel like blogging... Considered just giving a final post to say goodbye and letting this site die a peaceful death. Would hate to disappoint my three or four regular readers though (most of my traffic is from google) Again, my OCD probably won't let me, seeing as I'm addicted to seeing my site's traffic increase month to month.. All-or-nothing... no middle ground... no half-assing it... I hate that and would rather just stop completely... Why am I like this?
Might have something to do with the paternal issues, the ACOA stuff... So hungry for acceptance and approval that I'm conditioned to [be happy only when I] do my very fucking best at everything. And if that isn't possible, fuck it, don't bother.
This could explain some of my depression lately... At work I am overwhelmed... such that each of my projects is getting a lot less attention than I'm used to giving... In other words, less than my best.. This equates to mediocrity.. Knowing I can do better and not being able to do it, or even choosing not to do it, completely sickens me... almost as much as asking for help... which exhibits weakness... which people love to exploit... which is also something which sickens me... This pattern of thinking can't be healthy...
Textbook ACOA, that's me.

3 comments:

mktackabery said...

Murat, please don't stop blogging! The sun shines tomorrow.
Michelle
michelletackabery.net

Papa Ray said...

If you crave acceptance and approval you must look inside yourself for that.

No man's or woman's worth is determined by another, only by themselves.

Don't look to drugs or others for assistance, look to yourself.

And your God.

Papa Ray
West Texas
USA

Noel said...

I am a frequent visitor to your site , I hope you pull out of your depression and continue .