17 December 2007
When I was a young boy, I'd have these disturbing dreams. In them, I'd become a tiny being, small enough to climb through the eye of a needle, or stand on it's tip, or be crushed into paste by the fingers handling the needle. Sounds would be so amplified at my small size that I would clasp my ears in pain at the slightest movement of air around me. My eardrums would puncture. I'd wake up feeling so weak and disoriented.. I don't have those dreams anymore, but instead I imagine that the universe is a piece of floating dandelion fuzz, carried by the wind and caught in between my fingers. Sleep disorders have vexed me for a long time. Sleep paralysis has been kept at bay for a couple of years, but there was a time when the "Old Hag" would visit me night after night after night, making my slumber into a painful exercise in avoiding death- that's how it feels- like you're being crushed and suffocated, or like someone's extinguishing a giant cigarette and you're caught under it.. I even wrote a blog post about it a couple of years ago- to this day it's one of my most visited pages.. These days, I sleep for not more than two hours at a time, I wake up shivering. I change out of my soaking wet tee shirt and try to go back to sleep on the damp sheets and pillow. The other night I went through four tee shirts in this way. The morning comes and I welcome it.. A steaming hot shower prepares me for that blast of icy air hitting my face when I exit the house and ride my bike to work in temperatures which would make your skin crawl. It's during such rides that it feels as though my brain may erupt into a fireball and blast through my skull and into the sky like a flare. When you're doing exactly what you want to be doing, and when you're positioned exactly where you want to be, that's how it's supposed to feel. That's what you call joy.. I'm a little bit drunk.. so ignore me.
Posted by IMA at 12/17/2007