It's not so much that I want the whole world to know and feel pity or anything.. I have to get this stuff out of my system, and this blog is as good a listener as anyone. At least it doesn't judge me.. Here's where I "spill my poison", as the saying goes.. and no one has a gun to your head forcing you to read..
My father has lung cancer, stage 4, inoperable. Tumors have spread to his liver and to his bones.. His clavicle has been fractured by the tumor which grows on and around it, so pain is a big issue right now. When he was here a month or so ago, the doctor told him that chemotherapy would not be very effective, so my father declined the treatment. He decided to return to Turkey. As it turns out, he's started another round of chemo over there, and continues to treat the pain with morphine and other narcotic drugs. Last week he sounded quite cheerful on the phone.. Still on his feet, still trying to build his musical instruments, still smoking cigarettes too.. what's the point of stopping now if it gives you comfort? I wouldn't.
When my brother and I took him to TF Green airport the other month for his connection to JFK, we sat there with him at the gate, not knowing what to say or how to act. When it was time to board, we stood with him in line, said our farewells, hugged, kissed.. He entered the ramp to board and started walking away from us.. and just before turning the corner, he stopped, and he turned around and he looked at us for a moment, waving.. realizing that maybe, it was for the very last time. I almost fell apart right then and there.. and then he continued.. out of sight. As my younger brother and I walked down the concourse and away from the gate, I had to stay a few paces in front of him to hide the anguished and tearful look on my face.. and perhaps it would have been like looking in the mirror, had I turned around to face him, I don't know.. and who the hell knows what my father's face looked like after he turned the corner away from us.. I think I might have an idea, but it hurts to try and imagine it. Thanks for reading.