America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

America's #1 Balance Bike Destination
America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

06 July 2008

tough day

Today for whatever reason, I've choked up with tears more times than I would like to admit. I think about all of the times I thought to call my Father in the weeks and months before our trip to see him, and I remember how many times I didn't call, and I want to punch myself in the head a thousand times for every opportunity I passed up to speak with him, to hear his voice, to hear him breathing. Yes he had cancer and it ate him alive.. but I don't think that is what killed him.. Father died of sorrow and loneliness. I curse the day last November when we let him fly back to Turkey. He should have stayed here. We moved the guest bedroom furniture down to the 1st floor for him. We told him to stay, we wish he stayed.. but in reality, he did what was best for us, for me, my wife, my son. He didn't want us to see him as he became weaker, sicker, and more dependent upon others. The side effect of getting on that plane was to spare us the agony of watching him waste away. He told us he wanted to be in his homeland, in his own house. Okay..
I'm deep inside the pain cave right now. Contemplating calling in sick to work tomorrow, or all week. Anyway.. here's a piece which seems to fit the bill for how I am now feeling. Fuck this.

7 comments:

Ardent said...

Murat, my biggest regret is that my father said on many occasions that he wanted to die in his own home, he did not want to die in a hospital bed. He did pass away in hospital, which is not what he wanted. The nurses and doctors were brilliant but it did not have the warmth and familiarity of his own home.

Perhaps your father wanted to go back to Turkey because it gave his a sense of peace and familiarity.

It is so easy to blame ourselves.

Oz Kanka said...

Keep strong Murat.

John Cummings said...

Murat,

I wanted to tell you that i thoroughly enjoy reading your blog, I look every day for new posts. I find it fascinating- your attitude is great and how everything is somehow related to cycling.

Murat Altinbasak said...

Ardent, consider that if he were not in the care of the hospital, you might have been gone one or more days sooner. You're right- we're hardest on ourselves.

Murat Altinbasak said...

Oz, thanks. I finally understand what it truly means when people say "basin sag olsun".

Murat Altinbasak said...

John! I can't remember if I ever replied to your previous comment in early June.. but to be sure, I want you to know that I showed it to my wife and she loved reading about how her words helped you..
Did I miss you last Sunday? Of course, I do not know what you look like..
Thanks for the support kind words. It's comments like yours which invigorate my enthusiasm for blogging. Lately I've been shirking it a bit, but hope to get back on the rails soon. Thanks.

John Cummings said...

Murat,
Thanks buddy. I did not know you were at wells on Sunday, I got dropped in the C race and was bumming hard. I am usually easy to spot in the c race, either i am the guy riding alone with the group nowhere in sight, or barely hanging on at the back, or the guy puking behind some building (if i get there in time) I usually wear #77, and have been finishing with the group lately. I usually go full bore on the stuff i get into, however, family, work, house, wife, kid, do i need to go on? do a good job keeping me from 100% dedication to cycling. It's okay, there is balance in everything. good luck in whatever race or ride you are going to attack next!!