America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

America's #1 Balance Bike Destination
America's #1 Balance Bike Destination

30 November 2008

These things take time..

Since October of 2006, there has been an atrocious hole in the ceiling of the foyer of our butler staircase. Your hero finally patched it up last weekend:
A 2nd floor view of the original "Mattress Hole" can be viewed here. As you can see, I salvaged (re-used, recycled, pre-cycled, whatever) materials left over from a project at work. These two wonderful laminate colors are found on the 2nd and 3rd floors of Salem High School in Salem MA.

28 November 2008

Is it just me..

..or is true that the primary occupation which Nigerians and Somalis are engaged in is something I like to call "taking other people's shit".
Whether it's pirating commercial tankers for ransom or phishing for suckers with their Advance Fee Frauds, they seem to be the mavens of such matters.
Feel free to peruse the 189 scam e-mail your hero has received in the span of two months, over at You will marvel at the ALL CAPS messages with horrendous grammar and the number of African diplomats (and their entire families) who are killed in plane crashes.
The latest craze? Random online lotteries which you never even knew you entered!
To be continued.

26 November 2008

Post No 1111

A Turkish soldier stands at attention during a ceremony at the mausoleum of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, founder of modern Turkey, in Ankara November 25, 2008. REUTERS/Umit Bektas

24 November 2008

A Man After My Own Heart: Firat Arslan

He's Turkish, but not in Turkey. He's 38 but still doing it- giving it everything he can, guns blazing. I love that- when people who are past their prime give the young guns a run for their money- and win- like the mother of three who won the Olympic marathon in Beijing. More about Firat
Firat Arslan of Germany receives treatment from his team during a pause in their WBA cruiserweight world championship boxing fight against Guillermo Jones of Panama in the northern German city of Hamburg late September 27, 2008. Jones won the fight by technical knock-out in the 10th round. REUTERS/Christian Charisius

Guess who?

It's the co-writer here at Amerikan Turk, shirking again. Presumably very close to hitting the bottom. So "less-than-zero-esque", dontcha think?

20 November 2008


When the cows come home, I'll be gone.

Don't know what I mean, just feels right.

Woman loses $400,000 to Advance Fee Scam

See? My new site Scamlisting makes an effort to help people avoid such rip-offs. This woman mortgaged her house and wasted her husband's retirement funds, even after being told to stop, after being told it was all lies. I'm going to be sick.


This space will one day be populated by a blog entry which is one day crafted by my sister who one day takes a genuine interest and contributes something.
Post a news article, a link, a photo you've taken, a G-d damned haiku..
Get on the stick, girlie-girl. A video recording of yourself kicking someone's ass will do nicely as well. For example:

17 November 2008

401-k HELL

I'm going to be sick. A 401-k account held for me by a former employer has gone neglected and reached a level not seen unless I look back at a statement from 5 years ago. This isn't my main 401k, so I'll just share the meager and agonizing numbers with you. Beginning in January 2002 and ending in October 2003, I contributed $8,497 to this 401k account, which includes some employer matching. This is over a 21 month period. By the end of the 24th month, the balance of this account appreciated to $10,624. This represents a gain of over $2000! Hold that thought..
Here's how my initial investment of $8,497 evolved over the next 5 years, with NO NEW CONTRIBUTIONS:
12/31/03: $10,624
3/31/2004: $11,106
6/30/2004: $11,060
9/30/2004: $11,055
12/31/2004: $12,370
I am the shit. Look at me, UP nearly 4 large ones. I rock!
3/31/2005: $12,210
6/30/2005: $12,385
9/30/2005: $13,548
12/31/2005: $14,302
I should be a day trader. I picked these mutual funds myself, biotch.
::Kisses own biceps::
3/31/2006: $15,160
6/30/2006: $15,069
9/30/2006: $15,638
12/31/2006: $16,858
Oh boy! I doubled my money in three years! Suck it, Ben Stein!
3/31/2007: $17,171
6/30/2007: $18,498
9/30/2007: $19,242
12/31/2007: $18,911
Holy Crap! I'm UP over $10,000! I am giving unsolicited 401k advice to people..
3/31/2008: $17,269
6/30/2008: $16,955
Fuck it, I'm still double my initial investment. It will recover.
9/30/2008: $14,336
Well I'll be damned, I was wrong.
11/17/2008 (Today): $10,522
I HATE YOU, 401k. Die you 401k mis-managing mother-uckers!
::Striking own head against nearest blunt objects::
I'm back where I was five years ago! Only ahead by $2,000!!
So what would YOU do if you were me?
I'm gonna let it ride a bit longer. It's not a loss until you sell, and technically, I'm still ahead..
Let's look at the bright side. There are people out there who are retired or very close to retirement, who are seeing losses like this on an immense scale, compared to me. I wouldn't want to be someone who's 60-70 years old right now.

My Dream In Hell

from somewhere in Brooklyn, from Elif Altinbasak:
I just woke from a dream where I was in hell. I died and didn't realize it until I noticed I couldn't get off the 2 train. It kept skipping my stop and going to faraway stations that didn't lead outside at all. The train traveled on both indoor and outdoor platforms. When outside, the sun shone into the graffiti stained windows casting shadows on lifeless looking men. Mouths agape, staring at the floor, they sat still looking like they gave up. Ironically the 2 train is the red line.

I kept saying "I died? I died?" I was confused as to why I was in hell when I didn't even believe in it. In one station I was finally able to exit. I was standing on a hill with shit soaked grass and a river of piss beside it. There was the tree of life, dead, no leaves with grass poking through slushy poo. Nearby laid a very old, overweight and lazy snake. I kicked it and it barely stirred.

I was brought to a warehouse. In the warehouse was the lobby to the building that I designed and my former client taking inventory. For some reason it was stuffed with furniture, some of which I recognized from other places I have decorated before. The Canterbury Table was there, the dining table I put in a ski house last year. It's huge with dark brown wood and gorgeous hand carved details. But it wasn't being used, just stood there with no chairs around it.

Then I saw the giant mud and shit oozing monster, like a 2 story Jabba the Hutt. Puddles were pooling around it. Suddenly a gel-like clear substance poured from it's belly button. This guy runs up and says, "Oh Yes, finally I can take a bath!" I told him he's disgusting, but then he told me I should get used to it, this is the cleanest substance in the land and the only way to get clean. I told him I'd rather just let my own filth accumulate before stooping so low. He said, "Suit yourself!"

Strangely I saw Murat, my older brother there. He was on a bike putting on his helmet. Non expressive and stone faced, he seemed to care little for the fact that either he or I was there. I'm not sure but it was understood that he was going back. He found a loophole, we're Muslim. Before taking off he pointed me to the office inside.

The office was gloomy and overcrowded with piles of paper and noisy typewriters. I went to a messy desk and asked how I go back. They said that it would be a while since I committed so many sins. I said I didn't believe in hell and shouldn't even be there! "Well," they said, "as a Christian your sins will take longer to absolve" Then crying I said, "But then you've made a mistake!! I was raised Muslim for one, and two I don't believe in hell anymore!" I was balling my eyes out. The clerk disagreed until a coworker came by and said, "She's right. It's according to beliefs. If she's Muslim then her sentence is shorter than a Christian's. If she doesn't believe in hell then she shouldn't even be here." So it was understood that they made a mistake and I was going back. Then I woke up.

If you're wristwatch is the accessory which says the most about you..

..Then mine must say that I hate myself. I'll post a picture of it tonight. Although, to be fair, I used to use a SEIKO, which is the company which came up with the above tripe in the first place.
To be continued.

Now that I think of it, the heading shows you my previous watch- a Seiko Automatic which I got on Ebay for $50. The reason I don't wear it now is because I broke the strap in a fit of rage- I was at Dunkin Donuts on route 138, on my way to the Ninigret Crit, running late of course. Everyone behind the counter was serving the -ucking drive thru customers and us schmucks in side the store were being ignored. I said something profane and flung the door open to get out, using my wristwatch as leverage. The strap broke. It's still good- needs one of those spring loaded pins. My wife bought me this travesty of a timepiece when I jokingly told her I always wanted a calculator watch. So you see, my watch says that I love my wife.

16 November 2008

post 1101

Your hero has been lying down all day, squirming with pain from the FLU.
I thought I would share with you, even in this time of unbearable illness, that I am soon to be joined by a partner here at Amerikan Turk. What do you think about that? It's going to be fun I think. Let's hope it doesn't suck.
She's fashionably late.