28 March 2011

Post number 1206

Has anyone seen Metin or his Talk Turkey blog? Where is Phanja? Burcu? Superhero? Remember Turkish Torque? There were others.. I used to do a periodic Hitchhiker's Guide to all the Turkish blogs.. Those were fun times I think. Deborah? Drop some old names if you know where to find them.

21 March 2011

Taking stock at 40

Not much has changed since I completed my 40th year, um.. yesterday, but what invades my thoughts more than anything is the very small number of friends I've collected. Those who know me will tell you that I have more friends than I know what to do with. I guess it's all relative. Define "friend" for me and I'll bet that my definition holds people to a higher standard of behavior and participation than yours does. I really wish I weren't this jaded on the subject of friendship, because it gets in the way. It's got something to do with childhood problems.. and no I am not about to announce that I was molested as a kid- that never happened to me- but what did happen was that we had an alcoholic in the house. Being the oldest of three, it fell upon me to be the super-responsible 12 year old.. and from there it spiraled out of control. You can't be a kid in an environment where fists are flying, glass is shattering, 911 is being dialed or you're running out the door to escape on a regular basis. When I was 17 my mother was nearly choked to death- if I did not run to her aid in that moment she would have been gone. So it's told that [adult] children of alcoholics have a hard time with a lot of things. We're crippled, we're lame, and we can't understand why. I think we have a strong tendency to shut down and build protective barriers- sometimes very subtle, sometimes very conspicuous- but they're always there- reminding others to keep their distance in order to instinctively keep ourselves out of harm's way. It's a survival tool that kept us alive long ago, but which now burdens us with it's obsolescence and brutality. Time to put down this weapon and be vulnerable? It's not for lack of trying, but it seems like whenever we let our guard down someone takes a cheap shot, someone exploits weakness, someone betrays you.. and then we say "well fuck everyone!- I don't need a single one of them".. Then the next thing you know it's your birthday and you're left wondering how you managed to isolate yourself and why you count the people who you trust on only one hand. Oh yeah, I remember now.. raging violent alcoholic in the house conditioned us to be in perpetual warrior-survivor mode. You can't get an closer to me than the length of my fucking spear. Sorry about that- it's a work-in-progress.

14 March 2011

Have you ever?..

.Awoken from a dream in which no one likes you, no one wants to talk to you or know you or be seen with you, and everyone turns their back on you and wishes you would go away or die? Hopefully not, but if it happens, go back to sleep and end your rest with a better dream. You don't want that negative shit haunting you all day. It's T-minus 4 days until 40 and it feels like someone is holding my head under-water. I don't think I'm allowed to come up for air until I blow out the fucking candles. It was just yesterday that I was in the 1st grade, gazing up at the gigantic 6th graders and wondering how awesome it was to be big.
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10 March 2011

Do NOT wish me a happy birthday..

..on Facebook. I no longer have an account there. My account was hacked by some piece of shit thug overseas.. and if you engage them, they will pretend to be me and they have the skill and technique to hack you too. There are Hacking forums loaded with the simple instructions of how to do it. Mostly a bunch of pimply teenagers I suppose- they talk about how cool and easy it is to steal someone's account "just to fuck with them". So please do yourself a favor and leave birthday wishes here, if you're so inclined.. My 40th is on March 19th, same as Bruce Willis and Spike Lee.. Then again, traffic to my blogs is kind of light lately so I'm not getting my hopes up. More than anything, I wish that people would take enough of an interest to pick up the fucking phone and call eachother. Fuck blogs and facebook and email and texting. No one talks on the phone anymore, and you can forget about getting together in person. Everyone is engorged with being popular and getting LIKEd on Facebook instead of "being" liked as a real person. Getting LIKEd is something people do TO you, sort of like getting punched or kissed. Being liked is what I would prefer to be, wouldn't you? It's pathetic how we've let technology erase our social skills and replace them with "social networking". Now that I'm out of FB it's painfully evident how many true friends are out there, and it isn't many.. it's few.. but a few good friends is all you need. Having a mutual friend with a total stranger has been sold to us as a good-enough reason to become friends with total strangers who, at the end of the day, don't give a squirt of piss about you. Stop buying that tripe and call your friends once a week instead of peeping tom on them every fucking minute of the day and masquerading it as friendship.
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07 March 2011

No more Facebook

The only profile of mine which exists on Facebook from now on, is the old account which some low-life thug in Turkey hacked from me. You are discouraged from engaging them or sending them money if they pose as me stranded in an airport somewhere. English speakers have no worries because said hacker doesn't speak English- only very profane Turkish..
Goodbye Facebook. You fucking suck.
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